I've had an interesting realization lately.  There have been several times I've sat in classes, meetings or discussions on womanhood and gotten the very uncomfortable feeling that I don't quite fit in. As women discuss feeling inadequate, guilty and overwhelmed, I couldn't quite relate.  As I've reflected upon this, I realized I haven't always been secure and self-confident.  It's taken quite a bit of work, which is why I decided to write this post.

The day Joshua was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I sat in the hospital panicking over SO MANY different things.  One of  many panics was remembering the statistic that the stress of a critically ill child can lead parents to divorce and families to disintegrate.  I knew I had to do everything in my power to avoid this... and this revelation helped me to realize that I HAD to make this a good time.  Either Joshua was going to die, and these would be my last memories with him, or he was going to live, and I didn't for him to forever be a victim.  We had to take these difficult, stressful times and somehow turn them in to good memories.  It took a lot of conscious thought.  How do you make living in an ICU fun????  It was a lot of hard work, especially since we all felt self pity,  stress, depression and anxiety.  There were times that I didn't know if Joshua would live.  This all strengthened my resolve.  Joshua couldn't walk or talk and could only lay in bed.  I discovered that because laughing is involuntary he could still do it!  I worked hard to make him laugh as much as possible.  I sang silly songs, told jokes, perfected fake laughing and silly voices, and played harmless pranks on orderlies and nurses.  Even though it was the worst time of our lives it also became the best!  I learned that fake laughing turns into real laughing, even in the worst circumstances.

Joshua and I ended up in therapy for a few years dealing with the difficult aftermath of the brain tumor.  One thing I learned in therapy that helps me every single day is to re-frame my thoughts.  I had to learn to take a negative thought and turn it around.  This has taken years and I still haven't mastered it.  For example, as I look around my house I think "this is a disaster!  Why can't I keep my house clean like everyone else?  It's a bio hazard and it's all my fault for not teaching my children to clean nor taking the time to do it myself!"  That's the original thought.... then I catch myself and am so much kinder as I re-frame my thoughts.  This time I think "STOP!  That's not true.  Yesterday during your cleaning time, you took a struggling kid out for ice cream.  Eternally more important! You spend hours a day nursing a baby.  And the children do know how to work - when you asked the most difficult child to clean the kitchen, he did it!  It took four hours, but he got it done independently.  Let it go and get to it when you can!"  When I am able to re-frame, I am more loving and forgiving not only of myself, but of others.  Other than the messy house thoughts, I've gotten really good at re-framing.  Actually, I don't have to catch myself and do it any more.  Now (messy house aside), I skip over the negative and destructive thoughts and jump to the kinder, more hopeful and optimistic ones.  It's taken years, but is so worth it!

I've also learned to take time to care for myself, and even deeper, to teach the children to think about and fulfill my needs.  When the first kids were five, three and baby, I took them swimming with friends.  For two hours, I juggled all three kids in the pool, playing with and chasing after them.  The mothers were all exhausted when we were done.  I knew I had to go home, wash towels, bathe kids, put away toys, etc etc etc and the thought was absolutely nauseating....  so I announced to everyone I was getting in the hot tub for a while.  The other mothers were visibly aghast... but I didn't care.  I put baby in the stroller and lined kids up next to the hot tub.  I put the five year old in charge of baby, and told them all to wait there.  Then I relaxed.  By myself.  When I got out, I was renewed and ready to nicely take care of my responsibilities.  I want to be a nice mother, but if I don't care for myself, I am nasty.  Even more, I want the children to think and care for others, and it needs to be taught in the family.  Now when I'm tired and out of sorts, children volunteer to watch each other so I can nap (in fact, they're the ones to suggest it!)  When I announce that I'm going to the library for alone time, and could really use the living room to be cleaned while I'm gone, I can generally rely on them to do it. They have learned that if they don't help me take care of myself, their quality of life goes down.  Why should I feel guilty?  My children and learning empathy, selflessness and love.  They're learning to communicate their needs and express their feelings.  Isn't that what we want?

Lastly, I've heard women express that they feel they're more, they can do more, and want more.   Thankfully for me, motherhood was my ambition, but I know not everyone is the same.  I think it helps to have an eternal perspective, to understand that we are eternal beings with eternal capacity to grow and learn.  As a mother, I'm learning all the time. Because of my individual circumstance, I've found it necessary to learn about the brain, child development, etc.  Thankfully I enjoy it!  We are in a world where all the learning we want is at our fingertips!  Find something interesting and devour it! Craft if that's your thing!  Teach your children the importance of creating, learning, finding a passion, and then teach them to respect your time as you do!  It will make us happier mamas!

I know I'm nowhere NEAR being a perfect mother.  It's a daily work in progress.  But by being forgiving and loving of myself, I get closer. I feel peace, contentment and happiness.  I remember revelation I received once, that God needs homes for children where they will be loved and taught.  That's it.  He doesn't need His children to get straight A's, be on varsity sports, win beauty pageants, and live in Pottery Barn perfect homes.  He needs us to love and teach our children.    By remembering this, I find happiness and joy in womanhood.