I've given Claire a bad rap, so to be fair, I thought I'd write about the sweet side of her.  Last night she delivered me a letter.  I'll post a completely mirror image picture, as I was too lazy to get out the camera.

Here's what the letter says:

Candice,
Your eyes are as blue as the ocean
Your hair is as brown as the autumn leaves that we love to watch fall
Your heart is as big as the sun
You are a wonderful person

A flower for you (followed by a flower she had made by twisting some of the tulle she had lying around her room.

This afternoon I am trying to get Claire to clean her room.  When she finally told me it was "perfect" I went in with a trash bag to clean up the rest.  Here's some of the one liners she slung at me:

"You are being unreasonable!"

"You don't understand!"

"This is the way I like it. Why does MY room have to be the way YOU like it?"

"Why do you have to let this TRASH come between us?"

"You don't understand because I am NOTHING like you!"

"Why can't you just not care about what I do?"

Other fun things the kids have said lately:

James: "Claire, every time I get upset Mommy tries to nice me down."

Me: "James, what is 460 plus 406?"
James: "This is the LAST one I am going to answer,  it's 866."
Me: "You're right."
James: "I KNOW I'm right!"  (almost like duh!)

James: "Mommy, would you like to try a bite of my chocolate frosty?"
Me: "Sure!"
James: "Mommy, if you'd like you could give me a bite of your strawberry frosty.  But if you don't want to, that's okay too."

Me: "Daniel, do you want to use your potty chair?"
Daniel: "No thank you. Diaper."

The other day we sent Claire to bed for bad behavior.  Soon, a projectile came sailing down the stairs and landed at my feet.  The delivery system was a toilet paper core with a message tucked neatly inside.  I was almost as entertained as a few weeks ago, when I had sent Claire to her room as I cleaned the kitchen.  I looked out the sliding glass doors to see a karate belt hanging down from Claire's bedroom window with a note taped to the bottom, the words "DO NOT TALK TO ME" written in red ink.

I'm not quite sure whether to laugh or cry today.  I don't even know where to start.....

A few weeks ago, we received some unwelcome guests: an army of roaches.  At first we tried to be reasonable: a non-toxic natural remedy of peppermint spray.  A can of spray later, the roaches were still going strong, but my desire for BYU's mint brownies is forever gone.  We decided to get serious and got some little roach poison pods and stuck them all over the kitchen.  No success.

Last week an eager Mormon boy from Utah knocked on our door.  Surprisingly, not the missionary variety, but the recently returned missionary selling extermination services door to door.  I showed him our roach situation, only to discover that one of our two breeds of roach is almost impossible to get rid of. The result?  The extermination fee was 4 times the normal fee!  4 times!  4 times!  We politely thanked him, and decided to go to extreme measures to rid ourselves of the roaches.

This weekend we emptied out our kitchen, and sprayed an entire GALLON of Raid bug killer/barrier.  Thank you, Costco, for selling it in crisis-size.  We moved the refrigerator, finding a nest of roaches that were truly vomit worthy!  We sprayed and sprayed.  We ran the dishwasher continually, washing everything in the kitchen.  The result of our efforts?  Tonight, as I was navigating the nearly empty kitchen and the chaotic dining room to make a break-the-fast dinner, twenty roaches ran out from behind the stove.  I quickly grabbed the can of Raid and chased them down.  Of course, as I was jumping out of the reach of an angry roach, I managed to knock over a stack of pans.  Without thinking, I sprayed within inches of our dinner.

Now we have a disgusting roach epidemic that won't go away, a kitchen in complete chaos, and the smell of bug spray STRONG in the air.  In fact, it is so strong that we turned off the air opened all the windows yesterday.  Unbeknownst to me, my children also opened the SCREEN in my bedroom.  This morning I woke up covered in mosquito bites.  We have spent the day killing not only roaches but flies as well.

So tonight, as I was cleaning out the dishwasher for the fourth time, I realized we had left all the dining room chairs outside after our dinner.  I asked Jared to bring them in.  He looked at the sliding glass door and said "I really, really don't want to open this door."  We counted 7 flies, moths or mosquitoes on it.  Lacking any options, he opened the doors anyway and went to retrieve the chairs.  He was only out there for a minute before he called me "Candice!  You have to come!"  I ran outside, afraid of what I would find.  He pointed to the chairs, all of which were absolutely covered with slugs.  I started to laugh, and laughed all the way into the house, until I went to start the dishwasher and discovered a dead roach on the start button.  Yes, I discovered that one with my finger!

Jared, being a trooper, dutifully brushed off the slugs and brought the chairs in.  However, it was dark outside, and one chair alone had two slugs on the legs and had to be taken back outside.   Another chair had a slug on the seat and also had to be removed.  I stood in the kitchen watching this, bemused, until I looked at my arm.

My arm is a sad reminder of the many problems we currently face.  Our backyard is tiny, more of a fenced in patio.  Someone recently nicely referred to it as our "courtyard."  The yard is all pave-stones, with very little in the way of live growth.  That is, except for poison ivy.  The irony of this is the poison ivy doesn't even grow in our yard - it comes through the fence from the neighbor.  So a few weeks ago, I decided to take care of it before Jared went outside.  He is exceptionally sensitive to it, and will get the rash from being anywhere close.  I took care of it all right, and managed to get poison ivy all over the bottom half of my right arm.....  It has been two weeks, and I still have a rather nasty rash!

So now, covered in mosquito bites and poison ivy, I am at a loss for what to do.  Tonight I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked down and saw a roach on my shoulder.  Normally, this would annoy me, but I wouldn't get rattled.  However, after weeks of finding roaches EVERYWHERE, I am more on the rattled side, and I let out a little shriek.  I felt exceptionally wimpy when I realized it wasn't even a roach, it was the ends of my hair!

Tomorrow I am calling an exterminator.  They can charge me 4x the normal price of extermination.  I don't care anymore!!!!!

Today....

Claire created a new seating chart for her class at school.  The kids sit in groups of 4 and each group is named for a bird.  Claire interviewed each member of the class and asked them their favorite bird.  She then put them in new groups by favorite bird.  She even remembered where everyone had sat for the entire year, and put them by new people within the group.  She is presenting it to her teacher today.

James is wearing "short sleeved pants."

Daniel helped me put on his diaper by unfolding the front and laying it across his midsection.  Normally, this is a signal that it is time to potty train, but he is absolutely terrified of the potty chair.  I have to hold him on it while he screams, stiffens his legs and grabs my hair.

I asked James what makes him happy.  He answered "Candy.  Mommy and Daddy.  And Daniel.  It makes me happy every time I see his cute little face."

Yesterday....

Joshua asked me NOT to tell him to calm down at the scout activity.  He had good reasoning, too.  This was an outdoor activity.  The boys are meant to run around.  He has better behavior than just about all the boys, yet I STILL tell him to calm down with some frequency.  At the end of the night, he told me I did a good job letting him be a scout.

Daniel refused to come with me at the scout activity, and instead stayed with Claire in the middle of a mob of children.  I did not bring a snack, sippy cup or diapers.  We did not use the stroller.

Jared lit 7 torches on fire in what turned out to be the coolest arrow of light ceremony EVER.

I startled Daniel by jumping around the corner and screaming.  He looked terrified for about a half second before breaking into a dimply grin and saying "Again?  Again?"  Again has become his favorite word.

Tonight is a tonight that has to be chronicled....  but the story doesn't start until after I went to bed.  I was particularly on top of things today, and as a reward for my efforts, I went to bed early.  At least, early for me.  At 10:59 I laid in my bed, thankful to finally rest.  I went to bed an hour earlier than normal, excited to lay peacefully with my book.  I opened the book, with the ironic thought that there was nothing left to do, and I could spend some time to myself.

Then I heard the sound.  This is a sound I have come to recognize and dread.  Actually, there is nothing special about this, because everyone recognizes this sound, and I can't think of a single person who likes it.  I heard a gag, followed by a splash.  Then, as I laid there in dread, I heard another gag and another splash.

I hesitated just a moment - do I really have to deal with this?  I tried passing it off on Jared, but he was either suddenly asleep with his light on and book open, or he was doing a very good job faking it.  I got up and trudged to Claire's room, where I found James sitting on the floor in a pile of dark brown vomit, looking very bewildered.

I picked James up and carried him to the bathroom for cleanup, saying "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."  His reply was typically Jamesy, and he said " I didn't know I was going to be sick.  I'm sorry I made a mess for you to clean up."  Of course, this made all of my frustration at the situation evaporate away to shame.  I made the boy a bed in the hallway with easy access to the toilet, then went to inspect the damage.

Luckily, the mess was confined to the rug.  Unluckily, the mess was dark brown, very widespread, and the rug is an adorable pink flower rug from Pottery Barn.  I know the Pottery Barn reference is unnecessary, but I am a little worldly, and I love that rug; being how its from PB, I can't just run out and replace it.  However, on a positive note, thanks to a brain tumor, I have a huge amount of experience cleaning vomit out of things.

The smell was strong enough that I immediately carried the rug to the backyard, and started going to town with the water and Oxyclean.  Back and forth, back and forth to the kitchen sink.  It was by then 11:30, and barefoot and in my pj's, I continued to work..... until suddenly I had to quit.  I had stepped on the mat outside the back door, only to feel something squish under my foot.  After all the rain today, it could only be one thing.  That's right.  I completely flattened a slug with my bare foot.

I quickly decided the rug was clean enough.  Finished.  Done.  As good as it gets.  Further examination revealed the porch to be full of slugs... no rug is worth that.  Pottery Barn or not, if it's not clean enough, too bad!

Why Mothers Can't Use the Bathroom

Yesterday I had the privilege of grocery shopping with only one of my herd of children. It seemed like it would be an easy task. Truth is, when you're a mother, nothing is easy.

Halfway through our shopping experience, I began to realize I needed to use the bathroom. It wasn't urgent, and since the only bathroom is on the wrong side of the registers, I decided to wait. There have been many, many times I have abandoned a full shopping cart to rush children into the bathroom.... I figured I could be an adult and go after I checked out.

While checking out, my cell phone rang. The first of my herd of children was waiting at my house - I had confused times and the carpool had beaten me home! My decision to use the grocery store bathroom was waived in favor of waiting until I got home.

I rushed home, my poor bladder beginning to feel fuller all the time. There is a bathroom on the other side of the front door - I could just rush in, right? Wrong, wrong and wronger.... suddenly I had two screaming babies in need of attention. Ignoring the bathroom once again, I put the babies in their high chairs. I got the chicken nuggets out of the freezer, arranged them on a plate, and put them in the microwave. While they cooked, I poured two sippy cups of milk. I delivered the milk to the screaming heads, along with some Cheerios for pacification. Then I went out to the car for the first of my groceries. I brought the first load in, removed the nuggets from the microwave, cut them up and delivered them. Then I ran back out for my second load, then refilled the babies' nuggets, third load, nuggets, fourth load, nuggets and so on. It would be easier if the babies didn't shove everything in their mouths at once, and I could give them more than a few pieces at a time.

While the babies finished, I put the perishable groceries away. Then I wiped two faces, changed two diapers, and delivered two babies to their beds.

Now is it time to go to the bathroom? Perishables are put away, babies are put away.... it's time! My minute has come! I walk to the bathroom door, put my hand on the knob, and the front door opens! It's my beloved Jamesy home from preschool! Carpool number 2 has arrived. Welcome home Jamesy! Let me see your artwork! What did you learn about today? Oh, no, really? You got pushed off the trampoline? Your arm hurts? Let me look at it... it seems okay. You can move your wrist, fingers and elbows. We'll watch it - please let me know if it gets worse. Would you like an apple to feel better? Yes, I'll have one with you. Okay, we can dip them in carmel - just give me a minute.

Ten minutes later, I feel as though I am going to burst. NOW IS MY CHANCE! I put the TV on for Jamesy and enter the bathroom. I am ready. Only the bathroom is not ready for me.

The first problem: the toilet is plugged. Luckily, the plunger is in the kids' bathroom upstairs, and not the master bathroom (inaccessible by Taylor sleeping in the master bedroom). As I retrieve the plunger, I consider using the kids' toilet, but judging by its appearance, it needs a thorough scrubbing before my bottom can sit on it. I bring the plunger downstairs and get to work.

Finally, with the toilet plunged, I am ready to go.... until I realize someone has used the last of the TP and not replaced the roll (could this have something to do with the plugged toilet?) I replace the TP. As I am retrieving the TP from under the sink I notice that someone has unplugged the air freshener, leaving it on its side on our new granite countertop, and the oil is leaking out. I reach for a tissue to clean it up, only to realize the box of tissues is all gone. I retrieve a new box and replace it before cleaning up the spill. Then I replace the hand towel, which the last occupant left on the floor.

Finally, finally more than two hours after feeling the first urge, I am able to use the bathroom. It is actually a peaceful 30 seconds - no babies crying outside the door, no 5 year old letting them in.... the bathroom straightened up. I guess, if I wait hours for the perfect moment, it can be quite nice.

I am wayyyy behind, and as this is supposed to be a record of my children's lives, I am feeling rather sad that I haven't been recording.

Daniel is turning two next week and is finally starting to talk. He is actually rather entertaining, as he has a funny personality and an impish streak. Today, I asked him how old he is. He smiled his biggest, most mischievous grin and emphatically answered "PURPLE!" He thought this was hilarious. He also runs away when I need to put his coat and shoes on, sneaks snacks all day long, and does his best to destroy our house. Yesterday he came into the bathroom and happily showed me a "POP POP!" He then shoved the lollipop back in his mouth and ran away as fast as he could. As I was using the bathroom at the moment, he got a bit of a head start before I could relieve him of the POP POP. Upon coming downstairs, I discovered that he had dragged the step stool to the counter, climbed on it, climbed on the counter, and got the lollipop out of the cupboard. Resourceful, for a boy who isn't even two yet. I found a trail of shredded lollipop wrapper starting at the counter, and trailing up the stairs to the bathroom. I guess he couldn't wait to show me his conquest.

James continues to be exceptionally sweet. In fact, he is so sweet that it overshadows some other accomplishments. For example, for months he has been coming to me and saying things such as "Mommy, I know what 5 plus 4 is. It's 9." And I would always mumble "That's great, Jamesy." Or "Uh-huh." It took a while for reality to dawn upon me, and to realize that this child doing this mental math is only 4 YEARS OLD. Suddenly, James saying "Mommy, 8 plus 7 is 15" seemed like a big deal, and I had been ignoring this for a long time. Today in the car he was making up and answering math problems, so I asked him if he knew 12 plus 12. James said "I think so.... give me about an hour to figure it out." He then was silent, and wondering if he forgot, I asked him if he had the answer. He said, in a slightly frustrated tone "MOMMY, I'm STILL thinking." I then was quiet, and after about two minutes he said "I think it's about 24." What is he going to think of kindergarten?

We were discussing the Make-A-Wish foundation, and I asked Claire what her wish would be. It took her about 30 seconds before she had her answer - to have her artwork displayed at the Louvre, and to be able to visit it. Pretty creative answer. Let's hope she never earns a wish.

Joshua had a school play tonight. He never even mentioned it to us, and was surprised when I knew about it. I was surprised to find out that he had volunteered for a dancing number in the play. I had no idea! Seeing him on stage dancing was too much for me, and I sobbed like a baby all the way through it. I was so proud of him - the fact that he was healthy and able, particularly after all of the physical issues he has had, to see him up there performing a choreographed dance with his classmates was amazing. He probably won't ever be a world class athlete, but maybe someday he will be a first rate husband, father, and school counsellor.

So, there's brief updates on the babies. I will try to write more - they say so many funny things every day, and I am extremely upset that I haven't been faithfully recording them.