I have given prayer a lot of thought lately.  Two years ago, Jared quit his job, we sold our house, said goodbye to our friends and family, and moved across the country.  Jared started the MBA program at BYU.  We prayed and felt peace and confidence in our decision.  We knew we were doing the right thing.  We had faith that BYU's excellent job placement would provide us with a dream job to meet the needs of our family.  Two years later, things have not worked out as planned.  Jared struggled to find an internship, finally taking an almost unpaid local offer, which greatly altered our financial plan.  Now, three weeks before graduation, we still have no job, and no plan for our future. We are expecting baby number 5, and our money runneth dry.

So, here lies the foundation of my thoughts on prayer: if we are doing what we are supposed to do, trying our hardest, have righteous desires, and are fasting and praying, why is God not answering our prayers?  I have given this a lot of thought, and want to record my feelings.

Firstly, I think sometimes we imagine God as a genie in a bottle.  If we ask nicely, we will receive the blessings we desire (or even think we've earned or deserve).  We expect God to give us what is due. We become disheartened, depressed, or hopeless when we don't feel our prayers are being adequately answered.  We try to have faith, but cannot understand God's timing or ways.  I have often seen, when looking back at previous trials, the hand of God and His blessings in answer to prayers. However, in the moment, it is hard to see that He is answering our prayers in other ways, with other blessings.  I have hope that, in five years, we will look back on this time and see that He did answer our prayers.  By being denied the immediate gratification of the answer we sought, we learned something or were in the right place at the right time for other blessings.  Eventually, the right job will come and maybe isn't ready yet.  Maybe we really haven't exercised enough faith.  Someday, I will understand.  For now, I just have to have a lot more faith and hope.

Additionally, I have to remind myself of the difference between temporal and eternal or spritual problems.  Spiritual problems will effect us for eternity.  Temporal problems can make our lives on Earth painful and difficult, but will only effect this life.  Joblessness is a temporal problem.  I need to remember an ETERNAL perspective, and not let the temporal problems destroy me.  Losing faith because I don't feel my prayers have been answered can MAKE a temporal problem an eternal problem.  I need to hold fast to what will matter longer, and use faith as an anchor to guide me through these difficult trials.

Finally, sometimes the answer to our problem lies in other people.  One of the beauties of the Earth is that God has given us agency, and He will never force anyone to do anything.  Therefore, if I am praying for Jared to get a job, ultimately job offers come from people.  I can pray that these people will hire Jared, BUT God is not going to force them to do so.  I suppose a better prayer would be to pray that Jared will be given clarity of speech, and the ability to interview to the best of his capabilities.  I may be able to pray that the recruiters will see his potential, but again, whether or not the person is able and capable of receiving that revelation is up to the agency of the recruiter.  I can't expect it both ways: we can pray that others will do exactly what we want, and yet have our own agency to make choices.

I am hoping that writing these thoughts will bring me some comfort.  I am writing here, as both our computers' hard drives fried in the last month, and we lost all our documents.  I now feel safer putting things where I can get to them from anywhere.  The loss of the computers is yet another trial to endure.  Someday it will all make sense.  In the meantime, I will look at this as an opportunity to ponder, learn and strengthen my faith.