I think we all have subconscious beliefs, some more deeply held than others.  One of mine has always been that as two reasonably smart, hard working, well educated people, we would always be able to provide well for our children.  The last few years has proved that this is not always the case.  It has been difficult, and at times, downright depressing.  However, as so much of life is perspective, I've decided to change mine!  There's not a lot I can do to change our economic situation, but I can learn, grow and teach from it.

I have always been weary of raising entitled children.  Sometimes I have done better than others at curbing this.  However, nothing quite knocks out entitlement like poverty!  I suppose we could max out every line of credit possible to provide our children with more, but the damage to both them and us would be long-lasting.  Lately my children having been complaining that we need a bigger house.  This is true, I don't disagree.  But my inability to change the situation has led us to some interesting conversations.  Recently, we had a discussion about entitlement.  It went something like this:

Kid: "You need to buy a bigger house! I shouldn't have to share a room with them!  None of my friends share rooms with little brothers.  I DESERVE my own room! I need it!"

This was perfect!  It opened a discussion about entitlement.  I explained to my children that they are entitled to certain things from parents: adequate amounts of nutritious food, a few changes of clean clothes, shelter and a bed, affection, love, nurturing, medical and dental care, educational needs met.  Which of these needs were not met?  Where, on the list, did it say OWN BEDROOM?  We had this discussion a week later about newer, trendier clothing... where was that on the list?  This particular child has a cache of personal spending money.  Why not spend that on the clothes?  Apparently, according to the child, buying clothes is MY responsibility as a parent.  Again, I don't disagree - but that is limited to necessity.  I think under a normal situation I would have taken the child shopping for a few new things, not realizing I was feeding the entitlement monster.  Our scarce funds are keeping things in check!

I hope, during these difficult times, that my children are learning to work for what they want.  My boys have been taking karate lessons for the last year.  When our contract expired in May, I tearfully told the instructor that we could not afford to return.  I was shocked when he said that he didn't want to lose good students, and to continue to come anyway.  Poverty has shown us the good in others at every turn!  I am thankful to have my children see this, and to want to think about ways to give back. 

This week, Jared starts a new job... not a career job, but an hourly wage job to pay the rent.  I am thankful for his example to our children - that although he has a good education and skills for a great career, he is not too proud to do what's necessary to provide for our family.  I want the children to learn the value of work, and that when something is given to you, it's a blessing to be treasured, not a right.  As Jared is now working, we have signed a contract at karate once again.  However, the full monthly payment for three boys is hefty, and we volunteered to clean the karate studio in exchange for a monthly discount.  All three boys now go and scrub and mop the studio.   How wonderful to realize that they're not entitled to lessons!  How wonderful that they're learning to problem solve, and figure out ways to work for what they want!

During this time, we've had to go on Food Stamps.  This was a hard decision to make, and somewhat humiliating.  At first, I was tempted to hide it from the world, my private badge of shame.  Then I realized we were given a wonderful blessing!  I realized that, after doing all we could do, we were getting help, and I needed to acknowledge the blessing.  We told the children all about it, explaining how richly blessed we've been in the face of trial.  We told the children that in all the pre-poverty years, we faithfully and ungrudgingly paid taxes and gave to charity, never expecting to be on the receiving end of welfare service.  We told them how lucky we are, how blessed, to live in a time and place where we can get help.  We explained that, once Daddy has that great job, we will have to remember others in our current situation with love and sympathy, that we can't judge, and that we can have compassion and understanding.

We have been so, so lucky to be surrounded by loving and giving people.  We are thankful for grandparents who take kids shoe shopping and give generous birthday gifts.  We are thankful for friends who take our kids out to dinner, give them rides, love and acceptance.  We are thankful for neighbors who find ways to funnel money our way - babysitting, dog walking, etc.  We are thankful for teachers who overlook the fact that our name is missing from the list of class funds and extra school supplies contributors.  We are thankful to point out these gifts to our children, to help them really SEE.

Of course, the children still want to be involved in activities like every other kid.  This year Claire is in 6th grade, the first year of band.  She really wanted to join and play the clarinet.  Instruments are expensive!  Joshua plays the trumpet, because thankfully, we own a trumpet.  However, we don't have a clarinet.... so Claire and I had to have a discussion.  I told her that the school has a few instruments for the most needy children, and that we would try to borrow a clarinet.  However, if they couldn't give her one, we would figure out a way to get her a clarinet.  We're learning to be scrappy!  Claire understood the sacrifice we were willing to make on her behalf, and was grateful! How different is this from pre-poverty, where the clarinet would have magically appeared without preamble?  How much more willing is she to practice, knowing the sacrifice?  Thankfully, the school was able to provide her with a clarinet.  Still, I hope she understands that her receiving the clarinet kept it from going to another needy student.  I hope that she plays it with gratitude in her heart, with understanding, and with more desire to take advantage of the blessing.

I still can't say that I love poverty, of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling.  However, when the sun rises and prosperity dawns, I hope we can take these lessons with us.  I hope that James still saves his birthday money until May, when he spends the bulk on a gift for Claire, and then the rest until September, when Claire gives him enough money to combine with his for a nice gift for Joshua.  I hope that they look at their schools supplies with wonder and appreciation, and tell me that I can return the box of pencils because they have old pencils from last year.  I hope they still ask for the right glue for shoe repair.  I hope that when they see a child struggling, they will look deep to find what they can give.  And most of all, I hope that when their lives give them dark and desperate times, that they will find resilience and gratitude, scrappiness and happiness.